So, I've been overthinking things as usual. And I recently read a Reader's Digest article that hit home. I wonder if I kind of sort of have depression, because most of the symptoms are there. I wonder if I've ever actually been truly happy since middle school. And I wonder, what is happiness (see where the overthinking part comes in?)
But one thing is for sure, and it's that I'm really really stressed.
Sparing the details (I could write books about the stuff I think about late at night when I can't sleep), I feel a lack of accomplishment, I feel like I agree to things too easily and can't make good on them, I feel haunted by all the unused art supplies surrounding me like unfinished business, I feel like a poor role model and supporter (because who's going to trust and feel inspired by someone who doesn't even have their own life in order), I feel sometimes that I've ruined and wasted my life, I'm lonely despite my reclusive habits, and to top it all off, there is this person who seems to take every opportunity to annoy, frustrate, disgust me, or hurt my feelings and I can't even talk to them about it because they ignore me when I do and refuse to say anything to me that isn't name-calling or mean-spirited. I've felt like
lately. Oh yeah, my bowels aren't being very friendly to me either.
So I'm looking for all sorts of ways to clean up my life. This time next year, I want to be a happy person that doesn't hang my head in shame and have to think awhile when someone asks what I've been up to.
So first of all I want to make an apology. To anyone that I have said, "Oh great!" or "I'll draw this" to any idea suggested to me. To anyone that I've given even the slightest indication that I'm going to draw something. I'm sorry. Most of you have probably already given up or forgotten about those arts. But I (probably) haven't. They are written down in a to-do list or part-finished somewhere. I've been overestimating how much I can (and want to) get done for years and it's hanging over me, so unless I owe an artwork, I would please like you to forgive me. It's really hard for me to admit my mistake and not hold myself to completing them (even though there aren't many), but this is something I have to get off my chest. Splinters I have to remove from my fingers. Going forward, I'll be more prudent about what I agree to do and get my duties done in a timely manner so they won't eat at me. Aside from my parents, there are only two other people in the world this doesn't apply to, and I'm sure they know who they are.
Next, I know I need to get a 'real' job because the art career is just not working out at this moment. I was stubborn and kept trying and now I've waited until nearly the last possible second where I really need to focus my efforts on something different, something that will allow me to help my family instead of being a burden and feeling like a joke. And maybe I'll feel more accomplished and that will lift my spirits in the process.
Meanwhile, I'll still work on my art, but mostly my own projects, and I'm going to ditch the old priority system from my art blog. Without having art from each project uploaded, there isn't much of a point (as in, of course QT Crawlies is more wanted than Toilet Spawn... I haven't really uploaded anything from Toilet Spawn yet!) So I'm just going to steadily work on whatever project I want to work on and see where that takes me. Hopefully on the road to more artwork and exposure. And I won't hold myself accountable to everything on my to-do list, because I think that could be part of my problem (after so long, some ideas are just 'meh' now. And I make impossible goals due to overestimating my abilities.) Instead it will be a focus on using all the art supplies I have so I can get them out of my room eventually and replace them with just the stuff I enjoy using (various papers, ink, pencils, colored pencils, watercolors, and markers... oh, and a new computer with a newer art program to eliminate further clutter of supplies.) It's ridiculous the amount of (shelves and tubs of) art supplies I've accumulated since college... no, even since high school!
Eventually I want to end up where the whole point of my wanting to be an artist began... I want to make people laugh. Through illustrations, comics, or stories, that's what I really want. Somehow, despite being a 'whole picture' sort of person, my to-do lists made me narrow-sighted and I took myself too seriously without taking my projects seriously enough (though the content of most is still safely not too serious.) I read a book recently that made me remember what I really want to do. (For those curious, it was "Good Days and MAD" by Dick DeBartolo.)
Sooo... let's see what happens! I really can't keep these journal entries short, huh?
Oh, oh, oh, before I forget! I'll still be getting on here weekly and maybe even posting what I can get done art-wise each week (maybe some of them will be just pencils, since it will take forever to ink everything... even though I usually reserve my pencils for my art blog. Anyone want to see penciled art here?) I'll try to get to all the messages in my message center here that have waited for months. And if my loyal computer of seven years konks out, I may disappear almost completely until I can get another. Fair warning.
Okay... see you around!